Lockdownitis – What is it? What are the symptoms? Is there a cure?

What is it?

A unique, newly discovered disease affecting many members of the human race across the globe.

What are the symptoms?

As with many infectious diseases, symptoms can vary from person to person. In the case of Lockdownitis, symptoms can also differ between households, geographic area and are often dependant on duration and severity of lockdown. These are variations rarely seen in other infectious pathogens.

Main symptoms in a household of four comprising of two adults and two boys aged 9 and 6 include, but are not limited to:

  • Lethargy;
  • Boredom;
  • Excessive trampoline use;
  • Crying;
  • Door slamming;
  • Anger;
  • Furniture lolling;
  • Over-consumption of tea/coffee;
  • Spontaneous laughter;
  • Aimless wandering within a confined space;
  • Growling;
  • Sobbing;
  • Refusal to leave house;
  • Anger;
  • Never-ending conversations about poo;
  • Repeated opening of cupboards to double check there’s still no cake/chocolate in there;
  • Blasé attitude to what is and isn’t acceptable daytime attire;
  • Inability to remember the day of the week;
  • Operation ouch/lets go live/ninjago on repeating loop;
  • Forgetfulness;
  • Outbursts of “I hate home school”.

This is intended as a guide only. Alternative household arrangements e.g. age; sex; number of occupants, are likely to exhibit a range of different symptoms which may vary in severity from “mild” to “someone please give me a lobotomy and make this stop”.

Is there a cure?

To date, insufficient scientific research and clinical trials have been undertaken to ascertain a successful treatment. Long term hopes are for reduction in severity of symptoms over time or at least a change in symptoms. After all a change is as good as a rest………or some other such twaddle.

Current treatment options in active clinical trial phase include: Gin; beer; wine; long walks; fire; rocking in a corner.

Conclusive evidence on the effectiveness of these treatments has not yet been obtained.

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